A look back
In about 6 days, it will have been two months since I was headed for a separation, at the least, and possibly a divorce. In that two months, I have read almost three books on relationships, focus and reinventing yourself.
I have to say that also within these last two months, I've had ample time to evaluate myself almost from an outside perspective, and I've found that I've much to learn about myself. It seems that I've always thought myself to be a patient person, one who is patient with my work, patient with my friends and patient with my family in the sense of letting things happen the way they will and accept it for what it is.
What I've learned, is that patience is not something we are born with. It like anything else we want, has to be wanted, nurtured and continually rethought. I've learned that my patience for things that I've wanted hasn't always been there. I've always wanted it NOW.
Well, patience is one of the things that I'm relearning and striving to practice on a daily basis. As far as the separation and possible divorce go, I think that learning how to really look at myself and be able to admit that there are things that I need to change within myself, has gone a long way in attempting to prove to Tammy that I am willing to change my priorities to make my family more a part of my life. Not only am I trying to build up her trust in me again, and I know that there are a few people who believe that I've not really done anything to lose that trust, but I'm also building an inner confidence to prove to myself that I CAN not so much change myself, but find a way to appreciate who I am. To be able to admit that there are times when I haven't always made the best decisions, to be able to look at the consequences that happened because of those decisions, and use them to move forward.
I've found that whenever I've used my time during rough times to write and really put my feelings down on paper, it's helped me to really look at things. What I'm seeing now, is that since I've been writing again, within the past two months, is that I'm able to communicate my true thoughts using my mouth instead of holding things in and exploding when a disagreement arises.
I think it's a good thing. I've always been the type of person who when I get stressed, I close the doors and wait for it to go away. I'm slowly coming to a point where I can finally say what I'm thinking and feeling without the fear of hurting someone's feelings. As harsh as that may sound, it's almost liberating.
One thing that I've asked my friends who have been with me through the good and bad, and those who have been through these previous and seemingly the same challenges, basically, "you may not agree with, or understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, but I ask that you respect it."
And though I realize that these friends truly and deeply care about me and love me, do not want to see me hurt, because, when I hurt, they hurt, and the same goes for me, when they hurt, I hurt, I have to continue my course.
I have to believe that what I'm doing will eventually lead to a happier marriage, a happier family life, and a happier me. They say that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. While this is true, I think it starts with, yes, you guessed it...patience.
While I'm believing that I'm doing the right things to put my family first and all this will work out, I'm also keeping an open mind that there is a possibility that it won't. I like to think that I'm prepared for this. Unfortunately, I won't know until, and, if it happens.
I believe that what I'm doing, which is really making a true and diligent effort to put Tammy and the kids as my number one priority, will not only help me truly realize what's important, but I believe that it will help Tammy to see that I'm finally doing what I've said I'm going to do. And in seeing that, I believe that the light will come on and she'll want to do those things for me that I need.
As long as I believe this, it will help me continue to do those things and continue to build the inner confidence that I need to help me become a better person, husband, friend and most importantly, father.
The notion that I'm spending too much time and energy into something that will never change has been pretty much the response I've gotten from some people. But I disagree. Why? Because I've never spent this much time and energy on something that I've taken for granted before. She asked me,"why did it take the word divorce, to finally make you see what I've been asking for, for so many years?" I really had no answer. But after really thinking about it and really taking a look at myself, the only true answer is something that she has felt all along: and that is that I've put my friends needs first. As much as it hurt to admit that, it was as if the snooze button finally quit working and the alarm went off loud and clear. The saying goes,"you never know what you've got, until it's gone". When I finally realized what I was going to be losing, and it's not only Tammy, but the ability to spend what I see now as very valuable time with my children, it hit me. The missing piece that I didn't even know I was looking for dropped from the sky right into my lap.
Again, there are those who believe that this is all for nothing. That even though I'm putting things back together in a different order, she will not change and this is all me again taking the blame for everything.
Again, I disagree.
There are things that she has said to me that, yes, I've felt like she was placing all the blame on me. Like her depression for instance. She said that she has been depressed almost the entire 16 years we've been together. Now, initially, I really felt as though, and maybe I still do, that she was putting that on me as an excuse. I told her that I believed that there were/are other contributing factors that she could add to her list of causes for her depression and not just me. Her health issues, which medically, can be a major cause of depression, the financial issues that we constantly face, due to medical issues, job issues caused by bad and not thought out decisions, the fact that her mom has said she is bad mother and other things which has been proven to occur whenever either she lives with us or they begin to spend too much time together, or she spends too much time at our house, I think that there might be some jealousy on Tammy's end that I have the circle of friends that I do and she doesn't really have anyone that she can call a friend, minus a few, and other things.
Whether she wants to see these things as causes for her depression is something that she owns, not me. I know that I haven't always been the poster child for a great husband. But I know that even though I've been battling depression for almost 20 years, I'm not going to even begin to try to put that on anyone but me.
And for her to try and do that to me, really made me feel like things weren't able to change. That I couldn't change. That she couldn't or wouldn't change because she didn't feel like she had anything to change. And like I've said, if after all this, however long it takes, she still feels as though there's nothing to do differently, then one, I know in my heart that I did everything to make it work, and things would be in my hands to make the decision to leave, and two that it's made me a better person.
A good friend once told me," it's not the situation or challenge that makes the man, it's what he does with that situation or challenge that makes him".
I believe in myself for the first time in a long time. I believe that what I'm doing is the right thing. I believe that things will be different. I believe that even if they aren't, I will still be this new and improved person, and that will be with me the rest of my life.
One thing that I've read, is that we have to choose to love everyday. We have to choose to show love everyday. And if we do, the people we show that love to, ALSO have the choice to accept it. But what makes that special, is that we chose to show it. We have to accept that those people may not want that love, or be able to accept it. In that, we have no choice. "Love is a choice, it cannot be coerced".
Overall, I believe in myself, I believe in my family, I believe in my friends. I believe that if I continually show my love to those I cherish most, the love will come back. I believe that my efforts will not go unnoticed, and those efforts will be reciprocated and my marriage as well as my life will be better.
Patience...it's within us, we just have to find it.
I have to say that also within these last two months, I've had ample time to evaluate myself almost from an outside perspective, and I've found that I've much to learn about myself. It seems that I've always thought myself to be a patient person, one who is patient with my work, patient with my friends and patient with my family in the sense of letting things happen the way they will and accept it for what it is.
What I've learned, is that patience is not something we are born with. It like anything else we want, has to be wanted, nurtured and continually rethought. I've learned that my patience for things that I've wanted hasn't always been there. I've always wanted it NOW.
Well, patience is one of the things that I'm relearning and striving to practice on a daily basis. As far as the separation and possible divorce go, I think that learning how to really look at myself and be able to admit that there are things that I need to change within myself, has gone a long way in attempting to prove to Tammy that I am willing to change my priorities to make my family more a part of my life. Not only am I trying to build up her trust in me again, and I know that there are a few people who believe that I've not really done anything to lose that trust, but I'm also building an inner confidence to prove to myself that I CAN not so much change myself, but find a way to appreciate who I am. To be able to admit that there are times when I haven't always made the best decisions, to be able to look at the consequences that happened because of those decisions, and use them to move forward.
I've found that whenever I've used my time during rough times to write and really put my feelings down on paper, it's helped me to really look at things. What I'm seeing now, is that since I've been writing again, within the past two months, is that I'm able to communicate my true thoughts using my mouth instead of holding things in and exploding when a disagreement arises.
I think it's a good thing. I've always been the type of person who when I get stressed, I close the doors and wait for it to go away. I'm slowly coming to a point where I can finally say what I'm thinking and feeling without the fear of hurting someone's feelings. As harsh as that may sound, it's almost liberating.
One thing that I've asked my friends who have been with me through the good and bad, and those who have been through these previous and seemingly the same challenges, basically, "you may not agree with, or understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, but I ask that you respect it."
And though I realize that these friends truly and deeply care about me and love me, do not want to see me hurt, because, when I hurt, they hurt, and the same goes for me, when they hurt, I hurt, I have to continue my course.
I have to believe that what I'm doing will eventually lead to a happier marriage, a happier family life, and a happier me. They say that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. While this is true, I think it starts with, yes, you guessed it...patience.
While I'm believing that I'm doing the right things to put my family first and all this will work out, I'm also keeping an open mind that there is a possibility that it won't. I like to think that I'm prepared for this. Unfortunately, I won't know until, and, if it happens.
I believe that what I'm doing, which is really making a true and diligent effort to put Tammy and the kids as my number one priority, will not only help me truly realize what's important, but I believe that it will help Tammy to see that I'm finally doing what I've said I'm going to do. And in seeing that, I believe that the light will come on and she'll want to do those things for me that I need.
As long as I believe this, it will help me continue to do those things and continue to build the inner confidence that I need to help me become a better person, husband, friend and most importantly, father.
The notion that I'm spending too much time and energy into something that will never change has been pretty much the response I've gotten from some people. But I disagree. Why? Because I've never spent this much time and energy on something that I've taken for granted before. She asked me,"why did it take the word divorce, to finally make you see what I've been asking for, for so many years?" I really had no answer. But after really thinking about it and really taking a look at myself, the only true answer is something that she has felt all along: and that is that I've put my friends needs first. As much as it hurt to admit that, it was as if the snooze button finally quit working and the alarm went off loud and clear. The saying goes,"you never know what you've got, until it's gone". When I finally realized what I was going to be losing, and it's not only Tammy, but the ability to spend what I see now as very valuable time with my children, it hit me. The missing piece that I didn't even know I was looking for dropped from the sky right into my lap.
Again, there are those who believe that this is all for nothing. That even though I'm putting things back together in a different order, she will not change and this is all me again taking the blame for everything.
Again, I disagree.
There are things that she has said to me that, yes, I've felt like she was placing all the blame on me. Like her depression for instance. She said that she has been depressed almost the entire 16 years we've been together. Now, initially, I really felt as though, and maybe I still do, that she was putting that on me as an excuse. I told her that I believed that there were/are other contributing factors that she could add to her list of causes for her depression and not just me. Her health issues, which medically, can be a major cause of depression, the financial issues that we constantly face, due to medical issues, job issues caused by bad and not thought out decisions, the fact that her mom has said she is bad mother and other things which has been proven to occur whenever either she lives with us or they begin to spend too much time together, or she spends too much time at our house, I think that there might be some jealousy on Tammy's end that I have the circle of friends that I do and she doesn't really have anyone that she can call a friend, minus a few, and other things.
Whether she wants to see these things as causes for her depression is something that she owns, not me. I know that I haven't always been the poster child for a great husband. But I know that even though I've been battling depression for almost 20 years, I'm not going to even begin to try to put that on anyone but me.
And for her to try and do that to me, really made me feel like things weren't able to change. That I couldn't change. That she couldn't or wouldn't change because she didn't feel like she had anything to change. And like I've said, if after all this, however long it takes, she still feels as though there's nothing to do differently, then one, I know in my heart that I did everything to make it work, and things would be in my hands to make the decision to leave, and two that it's made me a better person.
A good friend once told me," it's not the situation or challenge that makes the man, it's what he does with that situation or challenge that makes him".
I believe in myself for the first time in a long time. I believe that what I'm doing is the right thing. I believe that things will be different. I believe that even if they aren't, I will still be this new and improved person, and that will be with me the rest of my life.
One thing that I've read, is that we have to choose to love everyday. We have to choose to show love everyday. And if we do, the people we show that love to, ALSO have the choice to accept it. But what makes that special, is that we chose to show it. We have to accept that those people may not want that love, or be able to accept it. In that, we have no choice. "Love is a choice, it cannot be coerced".
Overall, I believe in myself, I believe in my family, I believe in my friends. I believe that if I continually show my love to those I cherish most, the love will come back. I believe that my efforts will not go unnoticed, and those efforts will be reciprocated and my marriage as well as my life will be better.
Patience...it's within us, we just have to find it.
Comments
Post a Comment