A racing mind is a terrible thing to waste
There's no starting over until you find closure.
I think that statement says a lot. Whether you're in my shoes or going through your own trials, you have to have closure of what you're getting away from before you can begin to rebuild and start over. In my case, for me, I have to close the book I've written before I can get a blank sheet of paper and start a new one. What I mean by that is, I can't let whatever I've done or not done in the past keep me from doing what I feel I have to do. I'm learning how to take each situation and grasp the positives and leave the negatives where they are. I can't live anymore looking back to move ahead, it just doesn't work. You don't drive a car forward while looking in the rear view mirror.
I say this, but yet, as the title says, my mind is racing with thoughts of what if. Christmas day...from the time the kids woke us up at 06:00 until mid afternoon, my main thought and focus was,"this could be the last Christmas we spend as a family...what's going to happen next year, and the next..."
It finally dawned on me while reading a John Grisham book, as I was turning the page, that I can't dwell on that. Look at what's happened today. The kids had a great time opening their gifts. I was able to give Tammy a few gifts that I knew she would like, there was no tension, no negative vibes, only what was going through my head, we had a good breakfast prepared by Tammy's mom, and an overall relaxing day. We watched the kids play with their new toys, some of which went right along with the big gifts that Peter and Tina gave them, and we enjoyed each other's company. All positive things, right? So why was I so consumed by this fear? Well, at first that's an easy question to answer. Because in reality, that is a possibility. But why after all this time I've spent on learning patience, learning how to rethink things was I caught up in that negative space? When I finally turned that page, it was like I was turning a page in my life book.
I've had to make some hard choices during all this. And I know that it hasn't sat well with some people. I know that they don't understand. I know that some of them have never been through what I'm going through, but feel like the advice they give is what's best for me. I know that their intentions are good, that they wish no ill will to befall me. But if you can't sympathize, then how can you really empathize?
The choices I make for the next while, will be what I believe to be in the best interest for me and family. I think that when the kids see that we aren't fighting and letting the "fuck you's" fly out of our mouths, and they see that I'm more affectionate to them and to Tammy, and seeing her respond with a positive reaction, then if things don't work and we do end up separating, then that is what they will remember more. If I can minimize the hurt that they will experience if this does go that way, then the choices I've made will be worth it.
Now I can't go on with these posts trying to make you believe that I'm some uber positive energy nut who preaches that all we need is positive this and that, and love is the answer, blah, blah, blah. I have to be honest with myself and realize that there will probably always be some doubt floating around the back of my mind that she will not see the good that I'm trying to do and not feel the need to reciprocate. I'm not blind to this. She has made a very difficult decision, one that I have felt close to making on more than one occasion but was never able to make out of fear. Yes, fear. Fear of what I'm not sure of. And I have to think that she will not be able to put everything we've been through behind her and let it be what I believe it can be. So really all I can do, is do what I believe to be right at whatever cost it takes to make things different. Again, some people in my circles won't understand or agree. That is theirs to own. I can't live my life for anyone other than myself and my family. If I return to putting things other than that first, then I will have failed. I simply cannot allow that to happen.
I will have obligations that will take me away from my family. The same obligations that I've had before. Although this time, they will be a lot different, if that makes sense. Proper Manors will happen. The meetings will happen. But, since we're taking a much different approach this time, and do some things a little different, I won't be away from my family as much, and it won't appear that I'm putting the show before them. I'm confident that the show will be a success and all of our lives will change from what we've known to something much better. But I have to be in control of my obligations and not let them control me. I will be there for the support. I will be there to make sure that I do what is asked of me. But I feel that there are different ways to accomplish this goal without sacrificing the life with my family. Again, there are some who fear that this cannot happen, and will be highly doubtful that I will come through when needed. Once again, they own those fears, not me. As I've said before, I believe in myself much more than I ever have, and with time, I think that others will too.
One final note. Take the time, to stop for a moment and look at yourself in the mirror. When you do, try to look past your past, don't think about the future, but look at the moment. What positive thing is happening right now?
I think that statement says a lot. Whether you're in my shoes or going through your own trials, you have to have closure of what you're getting away from before you can begin to rebuild and start over. In my case, for me, I have to close the book I've written before I can get a blank sheet of paper and start a new one. What I mean by that is, I can't let whatever I've done or not done in the past keep me from doing what I feel I have to do. I'm learning how to take each situation and grasp the positives and leave the negatives where they are. I can't live anymore looking back to move ahead, it just doesn't work. You don't drive a car forward while looking in the rear view mirror.
I say this, but yet, as the title says, my mind is racing with thoughts of what if. Christmas day...from the time the kids woke us up at 06:00 until mid afternoon, my main thought and focus was,"this could be the last Christmas we spend as a family...what's going to happen next year, and the next..."
It finally dawned on me while reading a John Grisham book, as I was turning the page, that I can't dwell on that. Look at what's happened today. The kids had a great time opening their gifts. I was able to give Tammy a few gifts that I knew she would like, there was no tension, no negative vibes, only what was going through my head, we had a good breakfast prepared by Tammy's mom, and an overall relaxing day. We watched the kids play with their new toys, some of which went right along with the big gifts that Peter and Tina gave them, and we enjoyed each other's company. All positive things, right? So why was I so consumed by this fear? Well, at first that's an easy question to answer. Because in reality, that is a possibility. But why after all this time I've spent on learning patience, learning how to rethink things was I caught up in that negative space? When I finally turned that page, it was like I was turning a page in my life book.
I've had to make some hard choices during all this. And I know that it hasn't sat well with some people. I know that they don't understand. I know that some of them have never been through what I'm going through, but feel like the advice they give is what's best for me. I know that their intentions are good, that they wish no ill will to befall me. But if you can't sympathize, then how can you really empathize?
The choices I make for the next while, will be what I believe to be in the best interest for me and family. I think that when the kids see that we aren't fighting and letting the "fuck you's" fly out of our mouths, and they see that I'm more affectionate to them and to Tammy, and seeing her respond with a positive reaction, then if things don't work and we do end up separating, then that is what they will remember more. If I can minimize the hurt that they will experience if this does go that way, then the choices I've made will be worth it.
Now I can't go on with these posts trying to make you believe that I'm some uber positive energy nut who preaches that all we need is positive this and that, and love is the answer, blah, blah, blah. I have to be honest with myself and realize that there will probably always be some doubt floating around the back of my mind that she will not see the good that I'm trying to do and not feel the need to reciprocate. I'm not blind to this. She has made a very difficult decision, one that I have felt close to making on more than one occasion but was never able to make out of fear. Yes, fear. Fear of what I'm not sure of. And I have to think that she will not be able to put everything we've been through behind her and let it be what I believe it can be. So really all I can do, is do what I believe to be right at whatever cost it takes to make things different. Again, some people in my circles won't understand or agree. That is theirs to own. I can't live my life for anyone other than myself and my family. If I return to putting things other than that first, then I will have failed. I simply cannot allow that to happen.
I will have obligations that will take me away from my family. The same obligations that I've had before. Although this time, they will be a lot different, if that makes sense. Proper Manors will happen. The meetings will happen. But, since we're taking a much different approach this time, and do some things a little different, I won't be away from my family as much, and it won't appear that I'm putting the show before them. I'm confident that the show will be a success and all of our lives will change from what we've known to something much better. But I have to be in control of my obligations and not let them control me. I will be there for the support. I will be there to make sure that I do what is asked of me. But I feel that there are different ways to accomplish this goal without sacrificing the life with my family. Again, there are some who fear that this cannot happen, and will be highly doubtful that I will come through when needed. Once again, they own those fears, not me. As I've said before, I believe in myself much more than I ever have, and with time, I think that others will too.
One final note. Take the time, to stop for a moment and look at yourself in the mirror. When you do, try to look past your past, don't think about the future, but look at the moment. What positive thing is happening right now?
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